"I bet you could sell it, with enough time and effort," B says, which is half truth and half just blind faith in her, and in how much he imagines Chase would want to sell it. "He doesn't seem to be going anywhere yet, though. That likely to keep up?"
B remembers Chase from his first round-- the kid helped Steve bust him out of prison, once-- and he knows him well enough from the periphery to know that's going to be rocky. B might've been terrified of the idea, but he also liked people and didn't hide away in the library 24-7.
"Much as I know you'd rather he get out of here, I'm glad he's staying, if just for your sake," he admits. "And I will absolutely drop you off there at some point after we kill SOPHIA, even if just for a visit."
"If the universe had gone completely insane and I'd graduated before him, I would have stayed to see him safe." It's not at all what she'd been going to say, but the truth - that if he hadn't decided to stay for a deal, she would have been sorely tempted to stay and make one on his behalf - is both a source of guilt and might require more explanation than is hers to give.
"Which would probably have made him throw something heavy at my head." One corner of her mouth ticks up in a little smile. "Even if he said it would make him a bad friend, leaving while I'm still stuck here."
"Or maybe he'd have been relieved to not lose a friend, too," B points out, taking her explanation at face value. "My warden actually tried to stay on for Steve, herself, though she didn't make it long enough to see him graduated. I was glad that he wasn't gonna have to be alone, back when I thought I wasn't coming back."
"Those are not mutually exclusive reactions," Yelena replies. She inspects her cupcake for a second, then opts to take another moderately-sized bite in lieu of popping the rest of it into her mouth like a feral goblin.
"And it seems to be a common trap, getting invested enough in people to not want to just - leave them behind, not knowing if they'll ever make it out."
"Common trap with any situation with a lot of people stuck in the same limited space, not just a weird spaceship," B allows. "We had that thing in the army, too. You got real close with your squad mates, even if in civilian life you'd have nothing to talk about, and it made you a lot more determined to win to keep them safe, too. Hell, I bet HYDRA even did it, just not with me." Since the goal was isolating him completely, and all. The Red Room probably discouraged it, given the disposable nature of the agents, but he would be willing to bet there were friendships and alliances made among the girls anyhow.
She nods in wordless agreement. Those ties had existed in the Red Room, too, though most of them had brought nothing but grief. For a while, they'd persisted amongst the Widows committed to bringing down the entire network, though five years after Yelena's first death, they'd been long faded.
"I think I owe you an apology," she says after a long moment's silence.
"Huh?" He blinks over at her, over the top of his second cupcake. "What for?" He can think of all sorts of things she might apologize for, but none of them are recent, and he's long since forgiven them all anyway.
"Oh." His expression goes a little softer. "Thank you, but... I was never mad about that." He looks back down at his cupcake. "Steve used to be the same way, you know. And a friend of his, Annie. They both were so upset at not being allowed to die. So it ain't like I was unfamiliar with it." And now, he knows how it feels, too. That heavy exhaustion with everything that life has left to offer.
He'd saved all three of their lives, anyway. It worked out in the end, for Steve and Annie, and he has faith it will for Yelena, too. It's just going to take a while to get there. "I ain't going to lie and say it's a wish I can grant, still. I couldn't leave them for dead, either."
"I know you weren't," she says quietly. "And I know you can't. I am not looking for absolution, or trying to manoeuvre you into changing your mind. I just know I hurt you, and I am sorry for that. And I promise I won't ask you again."
Even if a part of her still wishes deep down that he would change his mind. Even if she would ask another warden, if by some ugly twist of fate he were to disappear from the Barge.
Aw Yelena. B puts his cupcake down and says, mostly playfully but at the same time quite seriously, "I'm gonna scoot over there and hug you now. Just as warning." And if she doesn't look annoyed or exasperated, or move out of the way, he's going to do just that, plenty telegraphed but definitely wrapping an arm around her shoulders to pull her in for the promised hug.
Her nose scrunches slightly, but it's mostly performative, and she wraps an arm around him in return. "You are such a marshmallow," she says in mock admonishment.
"Hey, it's hard working being this soft and squishy," B mock-protests right back, but he hugs her close up against his side and rests his cheek against her hair a moment. He's not even lying. He worked a long time at getting soft, again. "Should I ask what got you thinking about this, or would you rather not talk about it?"
"It's not mine to talk about in detail," she says, and while there's something a little bit rueful in her voice, it isn't exactly apologetic. She suspects he'll understand that, guarding other people's private lives.
"But - talking with a couple of people got me thinking about how I would feel, losing someone I cared about here and not being able to do anything to stop it. And how I did feel, when I found out Natasha wasn't planning to use a deal to come back home. It isn't the same thing, because I'm not in the position to make any calls there, but I am good at extrapolating."
He does understand, and he doesn't push. He just nods a little, against her hair. "Yeah. We do, as you said, tend to get attached. It's bad enough when people go off to their own worlds, but when they're just gone..." Maybe thinking about Natasha. And maybe thinking about loss out in the real world, not on this weird magic spaceship.
"They're gone. And there is no getting them back." Not here, not in the real world.
In some ways, she thinks, here might be even worse. Here comes with the risk of someone coming back, but not being the same person who was lost, and while she's only experienced that so far with someone she barely knew and didn't like when she had, it isn't hard to extrapolate from that, either.
She reaches up to briefly squeeze his hand where it rests against her shoulder. They have, both of them, had no shortage of losses in their lives.
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"Until he graduates an inmate of his own and gets a deal," she says.
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"Much as I know you'd rather he get out of here, I'm glad he's staying, if just for your sake," he admits. "And I will absolutely drop you off there at some point after we kill SOPHIA, even if just for a visit."
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She cuts off, shaking her head, and slants a glance in his direction again. "There are so many people I will miss here, if I ever get to leave."
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Then he decides to prompt, on the subject of Chase: "If?"
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"Which would probably have made him throw something heavy at my head." One corner of her mouth ticks up in a little smile. "Even if he said it would make him a bad friend, leaving while I'm still stuck here."
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"And it seems to be a common trap, getting invested enough in people to not want to just - leave them behind, not knowing if they'll ever make it out."
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"I think I owe you an apology," she says after a long moment's silence.
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Not for wanting to remain dead. Most days, she still thinks it would be a kinder fate.
"It was cruel, putting that on your shoulders, and I'm sorry."
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He'd saved all three of their lives, anyway. It worked out in the end, for Steve and Annie, and he has faith it will for Yelena, too. It's just going to take a while to get there. "I ain't going to lie and say it's a wish I can grant, still. I couldn't leave them for dead, either."
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Even if a part of her still wishes deep down that he would change his mind. Even if she would ask another warden, if by some ugly twist of fate he were to disappear from the Barge.
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"But - talking with a couple of people got me thinking about how I would feel, losing someone I cared about here and not being able to do anything to stop it. And how I did feel, when I found out Natasha wasn't planning to use a deal to come back home. It isn't the same thing, because I'm not in the position to make any calls there, but I am good at extrapolating."
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In some ways, she thinks, here might be even worse. Here comes with the risk of someone coming back, but not being the same person who was lost, and while she's only experienced that so far with someone she barely knew and didn't like when she had, it isn't hard to extrapolate from that, either.
She reaches up to briefly squeeze his hand where it rests against her shoulder. They have, both of them, had no shortage of losses in their lives.